Learning How to Say No

[magikheart]

I wanted some opinions on this idea - learning how to say "no." We all hate to be that person that turns someone down for a favor, an invite, or any other opportunity asked of them. Sometimes life just gets bogged down by too many items. So, how do you say "no?" Do you feel guilty about it? Is there a trick to doing it without insulting anyone? Do you always feel that you need to overexplain your reasons?

 

[onceuponatime.bm]

There are two phrases that have revolutionized my life in this area. The first is "Sometimes you have to say no so that later you can say yes." We know this with kids, that we have to say "No, we can't go to the water park, we have to go to school so that this summer you're not in summer school and we can go to the water park then." As adults we have to set those same boundaries for ourselves. Our culture almost glorifies being stressed out, stretched thin and running on fumes. We have to know our priorities, set our boundaries and then defend them like our life depends on it, because your health really does.


The phrase I've found that helps both myself and others respect when I have to say no is, "That sounds like a fantastic opportunity but I just don't have the margin." Margin is the breathing room, margin is the wiggle room, margin is the empty space. Sometimes I do feel guilty, and if it's something that I REALLY want to do, I might try to rearrange things but sometimes you just have to say no. You not having margin doesn't mean that person isn't important to you, it just means your plate is full. It's a complete explanation in itself.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with the analogy of the spoons, but it's a great picture for people with auto-immune disorders or other invisible illnesses to gauge how they're feeling. You start the day with a certain number of spoons, and everything you do takes a spoon. But not the same amount of spoons. For example, having this conversation with you online is like 1/2 a spoon. But if we were having it face to face that would be 2 spoons. 4 if it were on the phone. For me, taking a shower is like, 8 spoons some days, and I have to go lay down afterwords. Everyone's scale is different, and some days you have more spoons than other days. When I'm reaching my limit or something is just too much for me to process, with people I am very close to I tell them, "I am sorry but I just don't have enough spoons for that." At first it was awkward explaining what I meant but now they know and understand. I've yelled "NOT ENOUGH SPOONS" at the top of my lungs while driving down the interstate before lol.

Do either of those phrases seem like something you could incorporate to help say no? I'm proud of you for opening up this conversation, because boundaries aren't popular. I'm also excited to see what other people say!

 

[DanRoz]

^Love the spoons/margin analogy!

I really think "saying no" is a legitimate skill in and of itself. From personal experience, the difficulty of it boils down to two sides of the same coin:
- Being internally okay with passing up an opportunity or experience (i.e. not having "fomo")
- Articulating "no" externally as to not offend or upset the other party

For the first, I've always been a people-pleaser and someone who hates missing out on anything, just to be able to avoid the potential regret. Accepting that sometimes I need to say "no" because I don't have "enough spoons" is something that has simply grown on me with time; with every new "no," the fear of regret slightly fades.
The second aspect is certainly harder, and is a lot more of a person-by-person basis. Different people respond better to different explanations (and it's useful to remember that pretty much everyone has struggled with this). I've found (unsurprisingly) that honesty tends to be the best avenue, particularly if you put a compassionate twist on it and make an effort to follow up with whoever you say "no" to. In that sense, I think of it as "softening the blow," - a "no" may be disappointing but a subsequent "yes" (or "how'd it go?" or "how are you?" etc...) stifles that disappointment a bit.

 

[AllisonE]

I find myself wanting to say no to people who ask for the same favors far too often with no appreciation. For example, my sister takes advantage of free babysitting and I know I would agree to it more if she didn't ask so often, I'm just so burnt out on it. But even if I explain this to her, she ignores it and just gets mad, asking again the next day! I too need to find a way to say no without having to feel bad or get a negative reaction. Maybe I should just ignore her reaction? I'm not sure, but it's getting to be very frustrating.

 

[Master]

It's simple, always put yourself first.

When you have this mentality, you won't find it hard to say "No" if something does not suit you. But the problem is that most people aren't really developed enough in this way to understand it. Put yourself first and stop trying to please the world.

 

[Ssandra]

I like the saying "No is a full sentence". You can change that to "no thank you" if you want to be polite, but there is no reason why anyone is entitled to your reasons for saying no. If it is because you simply don't feel like it, because you don't have enough spoons, you don't have the margin, simply "no thank you" is all they need.

One exercise you can do with people, especially good friends or a spouse, is to practice this. Literally stand in the living room together and have a friend walk up to you and ask something, and the only thing you are allowed to say is "no" or "no thank you". Make it a fun game (especially useful with teenagers) where one party tries you to get to say yes, while you try to stick to saying no. It is more difficult than you might think.

 

[Termar30]

Saying no is always one of the hardest things in my life. I'm a people pleaser and always have a hard time trying to stretch myself in all the different directions that I'm being asked to go. I have to say that getting older is one of the reasons I can now say no and not feel worried about being looked down upon. I only have so much time in a day, and I can only do so much. There is no need to apologize if you can't do something that is requested of you. Think of your wellbeing first, and then, of course, prioritize your activities. You don't have to over-explain yourself as it really isn't any one’s business but yours. Just a smile and thanks for the thought. Just keep it simple and that is enough.

 

[LaVagabonde]

These are all great suggestions! I am working on creating a list of priorities so I can say no to things that don't quite make the list. The important thing is to make room to say YES to the things that make you happy or bring you closer to your goals. You also need to make time for the really important people in your life. Start with a review of how you spend your day and compare that with how you WANT to spend your day – and go from there.

 

[Nick Torn]

I think that's too hard for me to say "no" for my relatives when they want something, and this could be really annoying and bad for me. I think the best way to say "no" it's just think only about your benefit because you will never help for everyone, so you need at begin do what you need and then think about others.

 

[Alwazsmthn]

I agree with LaVagabonde... say “yes.” “No”is hard. It’s negative. It’s uncomfortable. You don’t need to explain too much. That’s frustrating. So, say “Yes” to yourself.

There is power in positive wording. “Thank you. I’ll be away though.” “Thank you. I have another engagement.” “Thank you. I’m expected somewhere though.” “That sounds like you will have a great time! I’m sorry I have to miss it.” There are dozens of ways to word what you need to say. The main point is that you need to set boundaries for YOURSELF. We think boundaries are for others- to protect us. No. Boundaries help us define for ourselves what we can and cannot accept. That could be an invitation, an added assignment, another favor, a restaurant choice, or any other request/command/directive/creative suggestion.

You do need to come first. Not selfishly. IF YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR GAME- YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO BE WHAT THE OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE NEED YOU TO BE.