I'm relatively new to marriage, and quite young, and I would love to hear any tips people have about improving communication. My spouse and I are very different, and most of the time, that's a blessing. But sometimes our difference in communication styles makes it very hard to meet both of our needs. I love the "Love Languages" book and website, but I'm definitely looking for more practical tips about communicating with someone different from you.
Communication in marriage
- Thread starter anniel
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kittykat
New member
Hi Annie,
glad to see you are asking these questions and seeking solutions so early in the game- this is a good sign!!
here are some kind of random tips I have learned over 8 years of marriage (and we have 4 kids so that turns up the FIRE a bunch).
- Find a healthy way to process through something on your own before talking about it, do NOT talk about something when you are upset. ( most of the time, we are emotional from the event, and many things can come out if we don't give ourselves time to cool off. We also have a lot of words and thoughts, and this can be EXTREMELY exhausting if we really don't know what we are trying to say.. Find out if journaling, talking to an objective friend, talking out loud to yourself or what ever are helpful in sharpening how you are feeling and what you want to communicate)
- Always hold loosely in your hand that your spouse is at least a little right about something, and that its possible you are wrong. Usually the problem is a little bit of both people speaking a different language.
- Practice "I statements" when communicating a problem "I am feeling scared when this happens" not "you are so rude that you don't consider my feelings when this happens". Perhaps both statements are true, but in a relationship, we can ONLY take responsibility for OURSELVES, not the other person, which leads me to my next point...
- always remember, you can only control YOU. And the same goes for your spouse. The book "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" is a christian parenting book, but don't be fooled, it has changed my perspective on ALL my relationships. I personally believe it is a must have book. Anoterh book is Boundaries.
There are of course several other tips, but those are the top ones that come to my mind.
Ilija Miljkovac
Member
Could you provide a few more details, like exactly how you're different? When it comes to general tips I'd say:
Talk to him about it-No really, just talk to him about how he'd like you to tackle issues, then explain to him how you like to do it, talk about your different ways of settling issues, this'll help further mutual understanding between you two.
Remember it's the two of you against the problem, not one of you being the problem-In a marriage, issues are usually partly both of the spouses fault, so instead of pitting against one another, you should try tackling the issue at hand, regardless of fault.
Talk to him about it-No really, just talk to him about how he'd like you to tackle issues, then explain to him how you like to do it, talk about your different ways of settling issues, this'll help further mutual understanding between you two.
Remember it's the two of you against the problem, not one of you being the problem-In a marriage, issues are usually partly both of the spouses fault, so instead of pitting against one another, you should try tackling the issue at hand, regardless of fault.
I agree, Ilija, with your comment about really talking to each other.
Thanks, kittykat, for the book recommendation! I will check it out.
We're different in a lot of ways, I guess. One is that I think I am more of an emotional person and he approaches things more practically. He's definitely wired more independently than I am (or than most people I know)-- he very rarely needs words of affirmation and can find them kind of smothering. I, on the other hand, really need some love verbally once in a while, which can be hard for him to provide. We're apart this summer as I'm on a trip for work, and it's been hard to feel like if I don't reach out to him, it will be a very long time before it occurs to him to contact me-- but I don't always want to be the one reaching out. That sort of thing.
Thanks, kittykat, for the book recommendation! I will check it out.
We're different in a lot of ways, I guess. One is that I think I am more of an emotional person and he approaches things more practically. He's definitely wired more independently than I am (or than most people I know)-- he very rarely needs words of affirmation and can find them kind of smothering. I, on the other hand, really need some love verbally once in a while, which can be hard for him to provide. We're apart this summer as I'm on a trip for work, and it's been hard to feel like if I don't reach out to him, it will be a very long time before it occurs to him to contact me-- but I don't always want to be the one reaching out. That sort of thing.
OlgaC
Member
I believe Communication is the Key to the marriage. I was very quiet myself before, kept my thoughts for myself, but my husband taught me to tell him everything. Basically we don't go to bed if there is an issue to solve or if I have some thoughts or preoccupations on my mind.
It was so hard for me to start talking in the beginning but now I can't stop! If there is problem I prefer to deal with it immediately. I can't keep it inside me.
If I was you, I would just tell him openly what bothers you and see his reaction. I would tell him that it bothers me that he doesn't reach out as much as I would like to.
Me and my husband had 4 years of long distance relationship and I remember it bothered me too if he didn't send me messages in the morning or during the day. One time I was really worried when I didn't hear from him for 12 hours and his phone was turned off! I told him that I was really scared that something happened and he got better at it... Now he knows that in order to keep me calm, he needs to send me some messages when he is away, they don't have to be long, an emoji is enough.
I guess a lot of men are like this, they don't need as much communication as we do.
It was so hard for me to start talking in the beginning but now I can't stop!
If there is problem I prefer to deal with it immediately. I can't keep it inside me.If I was you, I would just tell him openly what bothers you and see his reaction. I would tell him that it bothers me that he doesn't reach out as much as I would like to.
Me and my husband had 4 years of long distance relationship and I remember it bothered me too if he didn't send me messages in the morning or during the day. One time I was really worried when I didn't hear from him for 12 hours and his phone was turned off! I told him that I was really scared that something happened and he got better at it... Now he knows that in order to keep me calm, he needs to send me some messages when he is away, they don't have to be long, an emoji is enough.
I guess a lot of men are like this, they don't need as much communication as we do.
Ssandra
Member
I wrote this a few years ago. I know you are not asking about situations where you are fighting, however I think the general idea applies well in normal conversations as well.
http://spiraling-up.com/10-rules-fighting/
http://spiraling-up.com/10-rules-fighting/
Ssandra
Member
It seems like he is very solution oriented. So I would tell him the problem and ask him to help you find a solution. That way you frame the conversation in "us vs the problem" instead of "me vs you".
With this for example I would say something like:
"Now that we are apart for longer periods of time I miss feeling loved and wanted. What can we do? What do you think we can do to keep our relationship happy and healthy?"
Chris Jeff
New member
Building communication is essential and the fact that you and your spouse are different is absolutely normal. You don't have to fret because the language of men and women are different. All you need to do is understand the language of your spouse. As a man you'll need to understand your wife and verse versa. You have to be intentional about improving the quality of communication with your spouse. You spend time talking together. Most women just need to talk, share and express themselves, issues that concerns them and they need someone to listen, at this point, the men have to deliberately learn to listen without trying to solve any issue the woman put up..just listen and understand her. It may seem difficult at the beginning but you'll realize that as time goes by you feel comfortable listening and speaking with your wife. Communication becomes easy then. A man loves his woman when she can give him his own space at times, timing is important. You need to understand your man, approach him more lovingly, express more positive feelings. Even when expressing negative feelings, your feelings need to be communicated without bitterness, resentment, disappointment or disapproval...that way, he understands you better and strive to be better for you and not become defensive. In as much as spouses learn to listen to complaints without defense, the approach also matters. Compliment, appreciate and appraise your spouse more. There were things you loved when you fell in love with him or her. Physical Affection is also a form of communication..this should deliberately be worked on. Yeah understanding love languages and working on it is also Awesome.
As a man, Understand how different your wife is from you and try to love, understand and appreciate her difference..this will form how you relate and communicate with her. As a woman, you will be able to communicate with your husband better when you realize he's different from you and you relate with him with understanding of that difference.
As a man, Understand how different your wife is from you and try to love, understand and appreciate her difference..this will form how you relate and communicate with her. As a woman, you will be able to communicate with your husband better when you realize he's different from you and you relate with him with understanding of that difference.
Alwazsmthn
Member
All the advice is from good places! The fact that you want to know is a great thing! There used to be a book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I remember laughing about it when it first came out. I was pretty young. However, now as an adult who is married, there are truly differences in how we communicate. However, what we want is often the same. We all want to be heard. We all want to be accepted. We all want to be understood.
Communication involves another big thing- trust. You must both trust the other that what you say is really what you mean. When you ask a question, you need to actually want the honest answer. By all means, ask your husband what he needs from you. Then listen. Then think more before you respond. Then realize that he wants things that are different from what you think he should want. That's ok. (You both may want more together time. To you that may mean cuddling and talking. To him it may mean the same room and one watching tv with the other reading.) You must trust that both partners come from a place of love for the other, and both partners need to agree to some communication ground rules. You need to decide together what they are.
Some examples:
-there is no cursing at each other
-if one does not like the response of the other-- it is perfectly okay to take a few minutes apart to gather your thoughts before discussing what is really meant.
-no one gets offended if the other person needs to define what they mean when asking for something (What does together time mean to you?)
Just some thoughts to share! Let us know how you are doing! What has worked?
Communication involves another big thing- trust. You must both trust the other that what you say is really what you mean. When you ask a question, you need to actually want the honest answer. By all means, ask your husband what he needs from you. Then listen. Then think more before you respond. Then realize that he wants things that are different from what you think he should want. That's ok. (You both may want more together time. To you that may mean cuddling and talking. To him it may mean the same room and one watching tv with the other reading.) You must trust that both partners come from a place of love for the other, and both partners need to agree to some communication ground rules. You need to decide together what they are.
Some examples:
-there is no cursing at each other
-if one does not like the response of the other-- it is perfectly okay to take a few minutes apart to gather your thoughts before discussing what is really meant.
-no one gets offended if the other person needs to define what they mean when asking for something (What does together time mean to you?)
Just some thoughts to share! Let us know how you are doing! What has worked?
My advice would be to learn from confrontations. I am young and have now been married 2 years. Whenever DH would get upset I would try to dig information out right away. But I found if I let him be for a while he would tell me about it when he was comfortable with talking and ready to share with me. I am a very impatient person so I would always want to know right now, which would only make it worse. It took a lot of miscommunications and confrontations but now I try to be patient and he talks when he's ready. My second piece of advice is to always keep an open mind when you listen to your spouse and not get defensive right away sometimes it's hard to see things from their viewpoint. Good luck!
nature_boy
New member
Same boat. I love my partner, but we are very different people and always have been. This has caused issues in the past. I've found that a simple thing you can do is to eat dinner together. We turn off the TV, leave cell phones in another room and sit down to eat. Just the two of us. It sounds simple, but it's helped us tremendously. It gives us a chance to catch up on family stuff and talk about our days. It doesn't really matter what we talk about. The important thing is devote time to talk and listen to one another. It keeps us connected.
I love this! My DH and I have been trying this for the last 2 weeks, we just got a dining room table which has helped. It really helps us be better connected and have a little family time. It is so hard these days with all the screens we have available.