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Breaking Up Post Break Up

RalphAnthony81

New member
Coming up next month will be one year since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. It was the hardest breakup we've both gone through so we've tried to be friends since walking away was impossible. As of this week we decided we couldn't even really be friends. This is the first time where I've actually wanted to still be friends with an ex but I couldn't really put a finger on why. I felt as if I still wanted her around but didn't necessarily need her in my life. Can you be friends with an ex? Is there a set amount time where you shouldn't talk so it's easier? This whole situation is baffling because I really thought we were at a place where we could be friends. Then one disagreement causes everything to fail apart and it feels like we're back at square one. I don't know if being friends is worth it if this is the result after a nonsense argument. It's almost like when you're friends with an ex, you have all the responsibility of being in a relationship but none of the perks. And when you argue, you know what will truly get under someone's skin. But on the other hand, after awhile that partner becomes your best friend and there's a level of comfort like no other in that relationship. I feel like solving a Rubix cube would be easier at times. Have you tried being friends with an ex? Any suggestions?
 

bmcd16

New member
This is a tough one because it really does depend on the individual and the relationship. I have tried being friends with an ex, and each time it has led to more conflict and stress than I ever imagined. The greatest challenge I had was with setting and maintaining boundaries. Like you said, it appears you have all the responsibility of a relationship with blurred lines on where the perks begin and end. This is especially true for individuals with a “people-pleasing” personality, who will jump through hoops to minimize conflict and keep the other person happy. For those people like myself, I would recommend a clean break (both spatially and virtually) once you decide to end the relationship.
 

nhenrick

New member
There is no one or right answer, as there are perks to both. After the initial breakup, it seems easy to want to be friends with that person because it provides a "caving-in" sort of feeling, knowing that you're still in that person's life. And to be honest, keeping in touch and checking on each other both after the initial breakup can be a healthy way for you both to move on together. However, in the same token, this can lead to one or the other never learning what its like to not talk to the other person, not allowing space and time to grow apart and go separate ways. This can be the hardest part, especially if you really still care about that person. I say that the best option is to completely not talk for several weeks/months, allow for some time to pass, and then revisit the idea of friendship. This should allow for both of you to think about other people, life without him/her, and starting a new friendship.
 

SocialShelley

New member
I have an ex I'm still friends with...but we date when I was 16 (I'm in my 30s now), and we didn't talk much all through my 20s So, does that count?
I think the hardest part about being friends with an ex is that they know parts about you that a friend may never know. They can push your buttons, even when they aren't trying to.
 

shrills

Member
I can't be friends with any of my exes, because I love them too much and the endings of the relationship were often due to timing or an infraction outside of a lack of mutual respect. Watching someone my heart is still invested in invest their heart into someone else is too much for me to bear.
 

epalmer

New member
I found that I needed to separate myself from my ex for some time. Cutting off any communication was really miserable and very difficult, but ultimately I think I was able to feel better sooner post-breakup. I have a lot of respect for my ex, and think he’s a great person so I would love to be friends down the road but I needed space for my mental and emotional health.
 

michalaw

New member
This is a tough situation, but I can understand what you're going through. I have dated my ex for three years and we broke up twice during our time together. He was my person and I needed him in my life. I always want to be friends with him, because we have the same friend group and I want it all to be civil. But when I tried to be friends with him recently, I realized that maybe it just wasn't healthy for us. I didn't want to hurt him while we weren't even together, even though we acted like we were while being friends. It's a tricky situation, but I suggest that space, time, and communication is the best way to see if you can be friends. Don't rush into things, and if you get a gut feeling, trust it!
 

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